I don’t know exactly where to begin with Mr. and Mrs. Creeper. Frankly, there is far too much to choose from. They are among the three original “elders” I mentioned here who materialized on the day we looked at this property with our realtor. They appear similar to Chess Grand Masters of the Community Meat Grinder. It’s through them that I learned to beware of seemingly “respectable” family patriarchs and matriarchs. What’s the old saying about judging books by their covers?
Mr. Creeper: I am considered ‘The Mayor’ here…
Mrs. Creeper: We’re proud of what we said about you to everybody! We went to all the neighbors and told them how you must be ‘drugging” your wife since she’s always driving off to work every day! You’re a terrible neighbor! But we still like your wife!
My response to Mrs. Creeper’s comment above:
Within the first month of moving into our dream house, things started to become readily apparent that we had inadvertently moved to Meat Grinder, PA. This becomes obvious when a series of “incidents” involving several forms of vandalism began to affect us. Several weeks after moving, we found ourselves settling in and wound up inviting our friends/neighbors from the previous house over for some new house cheer. I had planned a nice beefy meal as well as some choice beverages selected for their pleasure.
Throughout the day in preparation for their arrival, I spent a considerable amount of time attempting to track down the source of an intense “smell of death” emanating from within close proximity. At first I suspected that it was likely to just be a road pizza, but this turned out not to be the case. I figured once I found this pesky rotting carcass, that I’d dispatch it in place with a bit of lime or maybe toss it into the furthest wooded corner of our property, depending. I went so far as to cross the nearest roads and inspect the shoulders on each side looking for the source. Nothing. It was still very warm out, humid, and the leaves were still on the trees since it’s early Fall.
I also scrutinized the entire perimeter of our house, property lines, roadways as well as everything adjacent to where we planned to sit outside later that evening with our guests. The odor seemed to emanate near our driveway/side/back yard area and appeared strongest next to the patio as well as wafting inside the rear of the house. Since our garage is made of brick/block/plaster walls and the patio is concrete, this all seems a bit strange. It’s impossible that an animal could have been caught in any interior framing since there isn’t any there. There are also a few metal rain leaders set into the concrete patio/walkway outside the house where downspouts empty to. I inspected these by sticking my nose and a flashlight directly into each. Nope. No signs of death breath in there either. This is all so puzzling considering the lack of corpses. I did my best “Grissom” impersonation but still came up with nothing. Kudos to William Petersen, a personal hero of mine.
Our friends arrived and immediately commented about the intense bouquet wafting around us. We all had a fine evening along with some pointed conversation about the rather unpleasant odor emanating from our house. This bouquet-of-plenty lasted for a couple more weeks.
Mr. Shmoo: When you moved in, the place smelled like a meat locker!
Several months elapse and our friendly neighborhood odor makes another appearance during early Spring. It has the exact same characteristics and under similar circumstances. My curiosity is now piqued…
By this time, we’re getting pretty far along in the process of learning the truth of where we unintentionally found ourselves. We both observed that the inhabitants generally seem to be taking turns being at war with one other at various times. Serving as a catalyst for this is a swimming pool in the region of which about half of the neighborhood + members of the surrounding region participate in, and about half the neighborhood doesn’t. It’s increasingly clear that the severely deteriorating swimming pool plays a pivotal role in the dynamics of Meat Grinder, PA.
Side note: From our first few days here, we often found ourselves being accosted by a cascade of both known neighbors & unknown strangers asking if we are going to join the pool. It became so ubiquitous that Mrs. A and I would often find ourselves mocking it with our silly “Stepford Wives” act following these statements, in particular after an inebriated unknown “pool person” popped the dreaded question from several dozen feet away whilst I was out retrieving our mail:
Unknown Person: Are you gonna join the pooool…??
Back to “Olfactory Assault By The Bouquet-Of-Plenty”:
Following a bit of research and empirical data, I came to learn that deer blood and piss offer up their own special, unique “Bouquets-Of-Plenty” and are difficult to pinpoint exact locations if they’re dumped strategically and in small amounts.
Following this 2nd bout of ‘Death Breath II’ during our first Winter, something else also began to occur. We began experiencing other forms of vandalism taking place at night, around the back of our house our first Spring in our stunning home.
In warmer weather, one of my favorite things is to sit out in the backyard with Mrs. Arthur and fire up a grill. A glass of Mumms in hand doesn’t hurt, either. We have (2) grills, and both are Webers. One is big gas unit, and the other is a charcoal kettle grill. The gas grill resides nestled against our brick stairwell leading up to our kitchen’s small outdoor brick/wrought iron balcony overlooking the backyard. This just so happens to be a very convenient location for our grills. It also used to be a very stealthy way to “sneak” around the back of our house unseen if someone were so inclined…
I am a bit of a “Dudley Do Right” when it comes to safety procedures on equipment. I have an extensive background with Operations, Maintenance, Safety, Construction and Engineering practices. When finished, my standard gas grill procedure is to cut each burner individually and then also cut the main gas supply every single time. I am a very process-oriented person and rarely deviate from standard operating procedures. Haha.
Beginning in late Spring of 2018 and continuing to the Summer of 2025, would find the main gas regulator was often turned back “on” slightly and a single burner or occasionally several burners slightly cracked open when I’d go to use the grill the next time. This happened several times per grilling season. Btw, there are no leaks in the gas system and it’s well maintained.
At first, I considered that I had made a mistake and forgotten to turn the main supply off. Although this never happened before at the previous house, I had considered it. However, when it happened again for a second time later on in the season, my hackles went up slightly. Again, maybe I did something dumb? Twice in a row? This would be considered highly unusual for me to do “something dumb” twice in a row. Something dumb has happened a metric plethora of times throughout my life, but rarely if ever twice. True story.
Meat Grinder, PA is increasingly resembling Thunderdome!
From 2018 to 2025, the gas grill incidents occurred between 1-3x per grilling season, each year. It should also be noted that around 2021 and 2022 the “grill trick” appears to reach its maximum intensity in addition to several incidents involving Eau de Bouquet du Marcel Duchamp also beginning to take place. The increase in vandalism notably coincides with both Creepers’ retirements and is when things also take a noticeably darker turn in the neighborhood. I’d usually wind up changing out to a new 5 gallon propane cylinder each time the “grill trick” occurs. Thanks, Blue Rhino! It’s MORE than just propane…
Bouquet du Marcel Duchamp:
Needless to say, 2021-2023 becomes peak timeframe to experience the full wrath of Crazytown Inhabitants. Imagine the unmistakable smell of incredibly strong urine in your back stairwell. It’s not unlike the smell of neglected urinals at summer camp or prison. You pick. Prison can be less offensive, in fact, since they at least “live” there and keep-house. This offers the experiencer an incredibly strong bouquet. This isn’t your normal “somebody took (a) piss in my stairwell” event either. HA. It’s more along the lines of neglected toilets for weeks on end type of thing at a festival full of un-showered masses marinating in the sun.
I began placing a few trail cameras around the house and yard. The thing with trail cams is they get triggered easily if they aren’t set up very strategically. It turns out, I had to experiment a lot to get the proper field of view and placement for each. I also had to experiment with setting them so they wouldn’t be triggered by wind, leaves, activity, etc. Once I got everything tweaked and set, I would check them several times/year and upload any events. I wasn’t able to capture more than a few, occasional definitive photos of animals, birds, known activity, etc. around the yard. A definitive photo of an actual vandalism event by a so-called person kept on eluding me.
That is, until June 20, 2025 @ 10:34 PM when a single image is captured of Mr. Creeper sneaking around my patio on the exact same night another “grill trick” is performed. Interestingly, it’s also the Summer Solstice.
This image confirms years of suspicion surrounding the culprit(s). Even with the face hidden behind a wrought iron railing, his body, posture, outfit, shoes, build, hair, and wristwatch are all a perfect match to Mr. Creeper’s likeness. He often wears this particular outfit during his marathon all day/every day “Yard-Tarding” events. Miraculously, his likeness is on full display here even while the face remains hidden.
Side note: Have you ever found yourselves living near “Lawn-Bots”? There are several of these in Meat Grinder, PA. I am writing this on February 22, 2025 just prior the onset of a Nor-Easter. As I write, the chief “Lawn-Bot” is currently outside slopping through her squishy, saturated yard, tarp-in-hand, raking up the few remaining wet leaves from residual snow piles as the rain falls. Mr. Creeper and Lawn-Bot have been known to mentor (mimic) one other in the dark practices of Yard-Tarding.
I’d like to state that I prefer not to call the cops on neighbors for petty bullshit. Also, we believe that nearby community billboards simply asking the question “do you recognize me?” featuring photographs of backyard creepers is much more fun and to the point. It seems that Mr. Creeper may have finally realized in June that he got busted by the infrared/flash? IDK. He simply refuses to make eye contact since that day. Perhaps he’s still expecting a knock at the door from the PoPo? Well…
It’s notable that no acts of vandalism have occurred since the exact day the photo of Mr. Creeper was captured. Since the 2025 Summer Solstice, we’ve enjoyed our first vandalism-free period of time since moving to Meat Grinder, PA almost 8.5 years ago.
As below, circa 2019 Mr. Creeper is referring to (The Shmoos) multiple daily visitors + dozens of additional weekly invaders who attend their “Friday Night Lights” church parties which take place “Every…Friday….Night…! He says something to the effect:
The (previous) owners that lived in the (now Yoga Pants’) house threw big parties. I’d sneak over in the middle of the night and write “GO HOME” in shoe polish on their windshields!
Tell you motherfuckers who you fuckin’ with, Eazy
Well, if it’s on, motherfucker, then it’s on
Tell you motherfucker-
Well, if it’s on, motherfucker, then it’s on
Tell you motherfucker-
Tell you motherfuckers who you fuckin’ with, Eazy
Well, if it’s on, motherfucker, then it’s on
Tell you motherfuckers who you fuckin’ with, Eazy
Well, if it’s on motherfucker, then it’s on
Easy E
Jason C. Arthur
