“I’d like to introduce you to my family…” Mr. Shmoo
Moving day is always a challenge. It doesn’t help much when the months leading up to the BIG event are dominated by people who are not good at their jobs. Our realtor and her boyfriend often became a mid day nightmare. I usually refer to these types of events as “Lunchmares”. You know, when you’re getting to the point of wanting to take a break from (tasks) and find yourself interrupted with the excessive mishaps & bullshit of others and wind up bogged down at the exact time you should be enjoying a well-earned mid day respite. You’ll find yourself spending the remainder of the day unfucking their mess, often well into what should have been a perfectly good evening. HA. This is my experience.
Side note: “Lunchmares” is a colloquial term which I came up with while working for my Father and his “Wharton/Cornell Genius” business partner throughout the 1990’s in their Epic Failure Mode Environmental Firm. We were often denied the ability to take a breaks or lunch until it became “convenient” for the Capos. My indentured coworkers and I would usually wind up overworked and under-utilized because of their constant fuckups that it got to the point I’d look at my buddy and say something to the effect of “It’s the middle of the day and I’m having some Lunchmares. What do you say?” We’d banter about it for a minute and in frustrated solidarity, throw down our rakes, shovels, and jackhammers, flip em the bird, and take off to the local bodega. They’ll vouch.
Back on topic:
So, in order to move into this completely stunning home, I spent several months coordinating with several contractors to orchestrate a maneuver which I am quite proud of. The previous owners had removed the water softener/neutralizer system earlier which meant that the low pH well water would cause a Flint-like crisis in the existing plumbing if we operated without it. So, I was forced to coordinate a completely new water system install immediately upon move-in. Also, an electrician was needed to make the connections to the power taps + upgrade to a 200 Amp service at the same time. Add in the 14 foot tall rhododendrons blocking access for the electrician to work on the outside service. I had my work cut out for me. However, I am quite good at this sort of thing and needless to say it worked out absolutely fine. This all took place within the first few days of move in.
On the second day in our new home, Mrs. A had invited her Dad over to join us for dinner. We usually have a very nice time and have been known to enjoy a cocktail or two. The three of us are preparing to sit down to an (exhausted) dinner on our second day after move-in.
Enter: The Shmoos
It’s around 6:30 PM and we get a ring on our front doorbell (we have 3 different outside doors + bell tones). Standing on our front porch is what appears to be a family of Nephelim demanding entry. Almost literally, as we’ll see. HAHA. Mr. and Mrs. Shmoo stand well over six feet something each. There is also a pair of Junior Shmoos present. We still hadn’t eaten our impending meal and were surprised to receive “guests” at what is traditionally considered a normal dining hour. There is precisely nothing normal about The Shmoos, as we’ll come to learn.
Again, we are polite and have old school values. They begin to introduce themselves and appear to beckon for an invitation inside. This appears quite a bit “forward” but being a good host once again, I invited them inside hoping for only a very brief introduction. Perhaps we’ll have a friendly conversation in the coming days and weeks? This was never an option, as we’ll see throughout this series. For now, my father-in-law, Mrs. A and I stand awkwardly in our small breakfast nook along with the fantastic four of epic proportions. As Mr. Shmoo hands us a small token of welcome consisting of ribboned, glass jelly jar full of something resembling a thin, unrecognizable brownish liquid, he proceeds to introduce his family by name while simultaneously making the following announcement:
“I’d like to introduce you to my family, Jason. The owner of your house, Mr._______ was my friend. Anytime I needed something from him, he would help me. If I needed somebody to work on my kid’s bikes, or have a plumbing problem, or anything else, he would help. This is what I expect from you as a good neighbor, Jason.”
“Yeah, I’ve been hung in a bad place
Had no sun over my face
I’ve been hung in a bad place
For too long” Gem Archer
Jason C. Arthur
